Monday, 5 December 2011

B is for Barbie

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in mid winter, drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my Chrimbo wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of Jogging bottoms and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt, pineapple if it HAS to be bloomin pink. I'm sick of looking like a an extra in TOWIE. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your bum?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? it just makes me sweat.

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring??? in fact the new drummer elmo is a party annimal, after his last gig we got together and I had multiple 'lady crisis's", you know the thingies that make the TOWIE girls drop their kebab..

anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, make us anatomically correct. Wink

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!! (see note @ bottom)

6. A propper support bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. I need a new challenge, vet & teacher just don't cut it. anyway, the pensin for a teacher aint what it used to be... How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!! any chance you can get me Steve Jobs's old post.

8. A new, more post 2k persona. Maybe, civil rights activist Barbie (no pink tent's plz), complete with an ipad to blog from Westminster, and a nice pad to go home to in Kensington when it gets cold at night. oh and a P A who can spell check my Tweetin wouldnt go amiss too :)

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

11. No more Tea.. I am sick of the stuff, from now on sell me with a Tassimo and a lifetime supply of Carte Noire Latte Macchiato.

and please tell Mr. Allmark (VP) that killing me off the increase sales is a violation of my civil rights, tell him to keep the bloomin Conrad Murray away from me. even if he does go into plastic surgery.

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,Barbie

What bird can write under the Arctic Ocean?

A ball-point pen-guin.

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